Brittany S. Pierce Speaks!

Hey guys, uhm so I guess you know that Santana’s far far away now…in a kingdom far far away…sounds like some of the books I read. Anyways, I’m a sad little panda. I also kinda failed school, which I don’t understand how that happened? I mean, to be honest I think in my history exam I went a little too far back, you know? I started writing about how the first dinosaur to be named was the Megalosaurus and how the most tragic event in history, maybe even more tragic than all that Hitler stuff, was my personal theory as to how parasites were actually responsible for Dinosaurs becoming extinct and not dust from an an asteroid blocking the photosynthesis process. Anyways, my head began to hurt so I decided to draw little diagrams of the time machine I’ve been working on, I also drew a picture of Santana’s boobs. I didn’t get any marks for the question BUT the teacher did say what I wrote was interesting and totally put a little cute smiley face. Sweet! Hey, you know that reminds me. Santana once said she was like a lizard, right? Dinosaurs were lizard-like creatures…oh my god! What if like, Santana’s like…a…descendent of a dinosaur? What if she totally is one! That means she’s extra super special, like the last of her kind…I think I’ve totally figured it out guys! I need to like make sure I doubly look after her now. Like watch her super hard. She won’t become extinct if I’m taking care of her, right?

To be honest, I’m all about the writers telling the story that they want to tell so I don’t care either way. But I appreciate the Donna Martin Graduates feels.

Hey uhm so, I was surfing the internet and I came across this video of Santana at like a jewelery store or something? She was totally awesome and looked super hot and was singing a cool song, but then I was thinking, why is someone filming this? And why was she like with Finn? Oh! Do you think she was buying me a present? I bet she totally was, aww. Anyways then I got kinda mad cause the guys at the store were like totally checking her out and she wasn’t going all Lima Heights on them, don’t they know she’s taken? I got so mad I frowned at Lord Tubbington and now he won’t talk to me. So now I’m like sitting here in a rage or something, I’m sweating and my fists are balled up, I dunno what to do but I really wanna just punch something. This can’t be healthy, right? It’s times like this when I wish my best friend and my girlfriend weren’t the same person, I could totally use Holly Holidays killer advice right now. I guess I could text one of the glee club guys, maybe Artie? Though last time I tried talking to him about Santana he said he didn’t want to cause it was a sore spot, but I dunno what he meant by that, besides, I thought he couldn’t feel his legs? So Santana’s coming over in like 10 minutes, I’m just gonna switch all the lights in my house off, put on my unicorn hat, hide in a corner and pounce on her when she comes in. Then I’ll either have my way with her or beat her up, I haven’t really decided which one yet. Although I don’t really like violence, but I guess being president means I can pardon myself if she presses charges? Uhm, on second thoughts sex is probably just like the easier option. I’m mad at her, she’s still so hot though.

So uhm the glee club decided to have a small get together in the run up to Christmas, but we pretty much just got like really really drunk again. We were at Rachel’s house cause her dads were away at a Lady GaGa concert but then we went to Pucks. I can’t really remember much of what happened after that, all I know is Santana and I are totally having our first serious couples fight or something. OK so you know like how I tend to strip and dance when I have too many root beers? Well that pretty much happened, but Santana spent almost the entire night crying like hysterically. Cause she was totally sobbing about how my clothes weren’t coming off fast enough for her, then she was crying at random songs, then she was crying when she couldn’t find her vodka, then she was crying because Rachel wouldn’t stop talking, then she was crying cause the Troubletones are over and a bunch of other stuff I can’t really remember. Anyways, point is - she then cried cause she said she wished I’d take off that damn unicorn hat sometimes. I’ve been like wearing it a lot recently, cause I think it makes me look super sexy, but Santana said to me when we were dancing that she feels like she’s dry humping a stuffed toy. Which, I thought was a little dramatic and kinda sexy, but whatever. So basically Santana still clearly has issues embracing her unicorn side, otherwise she’d totally love this hat, right? Right. So I’m thinking we should totally go to couples therapy to discuss the hat, although I dunno, do they specialize in unicorn relationships? Or maybe I should just do as Santana says and wear the hat less? Isn’t that what they call comprising or something? Boy, being in a serious relationship sure is confusing.

So uhm, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t like Rachel that much. I mean yeah sure she’s like awesome and a great singer and nice and stuff but she was totally checking out my girlfriend when we sang that Katy Perry song, and I didn’t really appreciate that. It’s not cool. Plus she always kinda speaks really fast without taking a breath and my brain can’t process what she’s saying half the time, I feel like I could like her if she spoke in slow motion. Maybe as President I can extradite her from McKinley or something. I dunno, I’ll have to go to the library and read up on laws I can enforce. I don’t think Santana would be happy about that though, her and Rachel are sorta friends now, actually all the glee club are our friends. Well, it’s not like Santana would admit she likes them, she just hates them less now I guess. I love all of glee club, except Rachel, I just like her…sometimes. I will admit though I still feel guilty about that time my uncles goat ate her money. Santana thought it was pretty funny though. You think the goat pooped out the money in quarters? I think that would be cool, I never stayed to check though. So I talked to Santana about watching unicorn porn and she just shook her head and said there was no such thing, she looked kinda pissed and that kinda made me sad, I put on my unicorn hat and said we should totally shoot our own unicorn porn in that case. She seemed happier when I said that. Problem is I need to go to the store to buy more batteries for the video camera and now she’s back to looking mad. She’s so impatient it’s weird. Most of the time though she’s either smiling at me or mad at me for something. Both are pretty cute. Oh well, I’m still hot and she’ll still do whatever I say. Must be because I’m president or something. Kurt said Santana’s sounds whipped but I dunno what he meant by that, we don’t use whips, besides Santana’s just getting used to the unicorn hat, I doubt she’s ready for whips or a saddle just yet, I mean I told him, how are you supposed to ride a unicorn without a saddle? Duh.

Hey guys so like uhm, since I’m now president I was wondering what I should change the national anthem to? Santana keeps saying I’m only class president but I still have the presidential title so that’s gotta give me some legal leverage to change things or something, I mean c’mon, I was voted in by the people, that’s like how democracy works or something. Yesterday I went to take my cheerios top off in class, since it’s now one of my policies to go topless on Tuesdays? But Santana got mad and yanked it back down, but I’m just confused, the whole thing was her idea in the first place. I reminded her of that and she said she wasn’t speaking literally. Well, I dunno what she means by that but I promised the electorate that I would end the patriarchy, and what better way than to show my girl boobs? They’re like the ultimate girl symbol. Santana says only she get’s to see my boobs now, but I told her that wasn’t true, Lord Tubbington see’s them every morning. She looked pretty mad after that. Santana has nicer boobs than me though, even if they are made out of duck fat or something, honestly I don’t know why the doctors never just stuffed socks in her boobs instead, guys shove socks down their briefs all the time, I personally don’t see why everyone wants everything to be bigger. I told Santana I don’t care about the size of her boobs, only the size of the heart that’s behind them. She smiled at me then quickly said she needed to get something from the kitchen. Don’t tell her I told you this but I think she had a tear in her eye, but that’s OK, sometimes she thinks I don’t see when she’s upset or anything but I do, but I pretend I don’t since I know she doesn’t like talking about feelings sometimes. Anyway, my name is President Brittany S. Pierce and I approve of this message.

So like I totally rocked that song, right? Santana said I looked smokin’ but I don’t know what she meant by that, I didn’t see any smoke, I mean yeah sure some of the world was black and white there for a second but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t smoke. I realize I haven’t spoken much lately, it’s just that my throats a little sore from a lot of shouting I’ve been doing recently, but Santana says that’s private, I don’t know what her problem is really, what’s the harm in telling people I yell her name really loud sometimes? I was totally wrapping some Christmas gifts for my sister earlier but I kept getting the tape stuck to my fingers, so I texted Santana saying I needed help with scissoring and that my fingers were sticky, she was at my house pretty fast after that text. She looked pretty sad when she seen me trying to wrap gifts on my bed, wearing my unicorn hat that I made. I dunno why really. Anyway, she helped me wrap them because she’s so sweet and cute and not many people know that. Santana said she had other scissoring in mind, and I totally thought she was like going to cut her hair, she stormed out my room after that saying she needed a smoke - again with the smoke. I think she’s mad at me.